do not eat. must not eat. will not eat.
need to think horrible things so I don’t want to eat.
emo thin helen doesn’t sound too bad. 

and now everyone is talking about their future and I just want to leave. They all just think I’m going to be a mess, slut, whatever. I know what I want and its not that. Stupid fucking twats.

I would normally put this on my personal, but I feel stupid when no one will read it.
I just feel so alone at the minute, and it’s like, whenever i’m with my friends, they act as though i’m not there. I can be sitting talking to them and it’s as if they look straight through me. they say I attention seek. have you ever thought I do that because I want any smidge of attention you’ll give me?

It’s not just in school. I come home and just feel looked through. I’ll be sitting watching tv and my parents will come in and just change the channel over. I’m typing this on my laptop because I got told to move because my mum wanted the computer. If I ever try to talk to them, I just get myself in more shit and nothing gets sorted, and my mother, who I respected more than anyone else in the world, physically scares me at the minute. She didn’t slap me hard, but it just bought back the thought of every other time i’ve been slapped and it scared me. Mostly because it was as if that was her final straw with me, and it’s evident it is. I love her so so much and the one woman who would kill if someone hurt me, physically or emotionally, is now the one hurting me. it’s fucking me up.

and i’m scared to go back to cats because I have to try so hard for attention. I don’t want people to be all over me, I just want things to get better. I want to not be seeking people out, or scared of their reaction to me. I used to seek approval and got none, but it’s just like, they still have so many reasons to ignore me in person and have plenty to bitch about later.

and then with people outside of all that, I just feel like the more I give, the less I get. I guess i’m clinging because they’re the only people who truely listen to me or pay attention to what I do, but it’s as if they’re doing it to be the ‘good person’, as if they have too.

I just want to say so many and i’m too scared too, because things are pretty bad right now, but i’m alive, and thats all that matters right. I just want to ask what i’ve done, or what I can do to make it up to you.

Most of all I want to ask what I can do to be good enough for you. too young? not pretty enough? not confident enough? overconfident? I can’t fucking win. and all the fucking questions I have in my head, that i’ll never ask because honestly, i’m too scared of the answers i’ll get.

Why do you treat me like that? Do you really mean what you say? Did you really mean what you said? I just want things sorted because I need some stability right now and I know if I don’t get it, i’m going to get too another stage in my life I don’t want to be at. I can already feel myself slipping into past mistakes, but I do it because it’s comfortable. I know the outcome of them, even if the outcome is negative.

The only person who really get’s it is my ex, and i’m always anxious talking to him, becauses he twists it and persuades me that I mean something I don’t, and just gets inside my head, but at the minute, he’s answering certain questions, and I guess I just like knowing that I understand him and us, and where we’ve been since I don’t understand anything else right now.

I guess I just feel stupid, and people are making me out to be. It’s why I want to leave school and everyone in there. My friends from the earlier years just see me as a slut, and my current friends just think i’m an overdramatic hopeless twat.

Is it wrong to have dreams? I have plans too. I believe what I believe, and I let you think what you like, but you have no right to critize my thoughts. I know it may be said they’re watching out for me, but anytime they mention anything, I just get supersensitive, which makes me feel faint.

I don’t want to feel like this. I don’t want people to think that I reply on other people. I want change, or a plan of the future.
I need to get the guts to ask people questions i’m too scared to ask, but I know i’m not going to, as it’s only right to ask in person, and I physically can’t do it. I can’t talk when I need to bring up thing’s im sensitive about which means I let myself promise to bring it up another time, and it just stays in my head.

Home: Pretty Unhappy
School: Really fucking Unhappy
Cats: Scared
Anywhere else: Dizzy and sad.

bring on a night of self pity and probably icecream